i am tired. how long can one person be tired for?
worn out. exhausted. useless.
my brain is slow. everything is hard.
i am less anemic. less weak.
but i can’t think
but i can think
i can think good and hard about things for 5 or 10 seconds
i’m tired of this shit
things are too busy
i don’t know how to make them less busy
there is less work now
that is good. even if it doesn’t pay.
think, think for a minute.
don’t get sidetracked.
i can’t. i try and try.
i just type. i don’t even know what the fuck i am typing but i keep on going because it is something to do that will keep my thoughts in a straight line for more than a few seconds.
text edit. i love it. the notepad of the mac. i use it about a billion times as much as word.
maybe safari is no. 1. firefox for web dev toolbar and site checking. text wrangler. love it.
i ignore internet explorer like i shouldn’t. just noticed today that lbnuke is looking kind of funny on it these days. but not so bad. i fixed the one thing that looked really dumb. now the main menu just has much bigger line spacing than on any other browser. stupid ie. i am too tired to design for ie glitches that will hopefully be fixed in next release. at least on my own site. stupid microsoft. i get sick of their shit sometimes. bill gates is an evil genius. i’ll give him that. i appreciate the genius part.
it has been a rough day. hard to leave the house. didn’t get out until late. picked up new glasses. i can see. amazing! i forgot what it was like to see sharp clear letters. maybe things will get better now that the haze is gone. i’m glad i went. sometimes it is good to have contact with other humans. k is very busy these days too. i miss her. october was going to be the quiet month. finally. but not anymore. all weekends are planned. some weeknights too. then come the holidays. and house guests. i am happy to have them. but i need to rest. i don’t know when it will happen. maybe in february?
as k so eloquently put it… me, my partner, my former partner who used to also date my partner, and my former partners new partner, had a double date last night. at therapy. it is 5 years (almost to the day) that we have been trying to restore the peace.
i think maybe it was good. nice to meet the former partners new partner. she was very brave to come. i liked her.
we will all meet out in the real world sometime soon with a planned distraction and a time limit.
maybe it will be okay someday.
did i mention it’s been 5 years?
“Auties.org is a website to promote the entrepreneurial (self employment) skills of people diagnosed on the Autistic Spectrum world-wide and to provide links to Autie-Friendly businesses of various kinds.”
I particularly liked the ‘What is an Autism Spectrum Condition?’ explanation page.
I think this is a great idea and I would like to do my part in spreading the word. Visit the site for more information and links to ‘Autie-Entrepreneurs’ and ‘Autie-Friendly’ business listings.
There is a young mourning dove perched on top of our curtain rod. Kito chased it in. There are feathers everywhere. I am not quite sure how to get it out. The front and back doors are open, and Kito is locked in the bedroom, but the bird is not moving. It looks like it is sleeping. I think I will try to chase it out with my bo. Sorry bird.
As it turns out, the bird is not at all afraid of me or my bo and I can’t bring myself to do anything besides tapping it lightly. This bird obviously knows who it is dealing with. Back to waiting…
At K’s very smart suggestion, I got the bird to perch on my bo, at which point Marley attacked it and it escaped to the mantle. I locked up Marley w/Kito and carried the bird outside. It can fly a little, but i think it may be injured. There is no blood, but it is still on the ground outside. Maybe it is just scared. At last check, it was standing outside in one of our little dirt squares that we like to call a garden.
At next check, the bird is gone. The cats are free. I will vacuum up a million feathers now.
I went to another autastics meeting yesterday in daly city. I liked it even better than the first one. It was a little easier to talk this time. Like last time, everybody was very nice. It still blows me away that there are so many people that are SO MUCH like me. For so long I thought there were none and that i was the biggest freak in the whole world. Suddenly, I am an aspie, crazily similar in so many ways to other aspie/autistic people, yet at the same time, we are as different from each other as all people are from each other.
The thing about the autastics meetings, is that there is a whole bunch of autistic people trying (and succeeding) to socialize and communicate. It is very different from socializing with other people. Of course, this whole story is a giant generalization, which I am sure isn’t true of all autistic people, but it is what I think based on the few meetings i’ve been to and other folks that I’ve met in the past 6 months. If you are one of the people I am generalizing about, and I have this all wrong, please let me know!
Rocked! Hard. Me and the K’s saw green day last night at sbc park in SF. It was one of the best shows ever. Up there with the who and metallica.
They opened w/american idiot, ended the encore w/i walk alone, and filled the rest of the time w/high energy jump up and down rock and roll. I couldnt’ even stop jumping after the show was over! …AND there were awesome fireworks during and after the show. At one point, they got 3 folks from the audience to come up on stage and form a band. The people had to know how to play the instruments. They did an excellent job playing while BJ sang. At the end, the guitar player got to keep the guitar! The drummer had to do a stage dive into the crowd, and the bass player was nowhere to be seen.
There was a little boy (maybe 10yo) in front of us totally rocking out. It gave me hope for the world watching him pump his fist w/the rock n roll devil sign while Billy Joe was singing about smashing the state and shouting about how bad GW sucks. He knew the words to every song, including the pre-show Ramones tunes.
After the show, k took us on a very long walk to embarcadero bart, where a nice guy let me have his seat because I am so pathetically anemic.
We were still kind of wired when we got home so we had a snack and watched Miami Ink and home and garden tv until it was time to sleep. I can’t seem to get enough of that channel lately, except for constant mantra of how everything is so cheap and easy to do. It’s not quite the same when it doesn’t include a professional design and carpentry team working for free.
This is a poem from an “NT” to her Aspie partner
a sweet face
masks the pain
i can see
and you tire
if i could
cuz i’m good at
the simple ones
that don’t require
here you lie
with your hand
on my belly
touch my soul
as you snore
next to me
Firefox 1.5 beta 1 is available for download. Faster, better mac support, and more. But before you go rushing to download, keep in mind that it is beta software, and it does still have bugs. As they say on the site before you download it… “It might even melt your hard drive.” I don’t think that will happen, and I am using it right now (so far, so good), but don’t say I didn’t warn you.