I understand you exactly,I do not think we were made to work in offices, at all; some other types of work, jobs, vocations would suit us much better.I taught cooking,and although I was often afraid of the students,it worked out much much better,I was very independent, responsible,and very effective,and could really help people who did not know how to cook at all.

They really apreciated it,and although I often did not feel “empathy” or “closeness” of a type, with them,it was o.k., cause I was helping them,and that was all that mattered. I still felt very different,but it was ok.

My high intelligence, and efficiency was very helpful to this job,and to the unexpected stuff that would happen,when I arrived on the job, each time. I was aware enough to give people “rest breaks” from the work,after we had been cooking a while,cause it really was work.

Unfortunately, in my middleage,I got very bad,arthritic feet,and I have trouble even cooking for myself,and my feet are very crippled up; I have to communicate on the computer,with people, a lot.

Oh,yes,computers;all my life,I have been very attracted to “little machines” of all kind,and although I’;m not one of those people who can take them apart,and fix them together again, I love to operate them. Even printing presses, printing machines that make strips of letters, all kinds of presses,and my best press of all, the lithography press, in college.

I liked lithography better than my major, painting. I liked all the printing in the “print art” dept. i lugged around a tiny transistor radio, all thru college,and got my parents to get me a small tape recorder,which I loved. (never learned to drive,our cars were too old,and driving made me pretty nervous, on the highway.) But,I could get BOTH of my VCRs to program correctly,and tape. Show me some type of little machine,or even a larger one,and I will be fascinated,and want to learn all about it,and operate it. My printing teacher saw me fall in love with the hot type press,cause it looked ALIVE when he turned it on. Fascinating.

Not very good on computers,(i would like to be,want some instruction,or better books) not,but I love to use them, do computer art all over the Web. hee hee. The artwork on computers is fabulous, I love to do it. It’s taking the place of old paintbrush-and-bucket-artwork. Isthis an Asperger’s characteristic? Being fascinated with machinery,and all types of little machines? Cause, basically, I am.

I’m sorry I never had one of those Japanese little “eggs”,that you are supposed to raise,and care for, and follow instructions,and hatch out; would have been such fun.

I admire the Japanese very much(not their male chauvinism)and I do not think they are “wierd” people, I think they;re very smart,and inventive,and love to make things,and I have heard the teenage girls have little machines, that tape their classes, or that they use in class, to put homework, into; or a “data recorder”or a “journal” that is electronic. But they are pink and feminine looking. wow. I am a big fan of “Hello Kitty,” and even have the emoticon, animated. Tiny things fascinate me. Some of the tiny cartoon characters the Japanese make fascinates me,I love it. Itsy=bitsy, teeny-tiny. Yes,I guess a lot of this is very Aspieish. ok.

In my experience working in the ASD world and being someone who struggles to relate to the world at large I can’t help but think that your struggle is more about NLVD and trauma than AS. I say this because you do relate to others- just not through words. You see the beauty of another through the eyes of an artist. You experience the subtle changes in body language that both mystify and scare you. I see someone who relates to others in a very deep way but the problem lies not in hearing the words and meaning making but in understanding how you relate to yourself and in turn- to others.

As a trauma survivor I spent years learning how to grasp talking about things in the present- my feelings, my experiences, my opinions… When I hear your words, I feel the pain of your disconnect and must ask myself (and you) if this is AS or trauma related disocciation? To what extent are the “others” in your life responsible for understanding that which you are yet to understand?

I must again say that your story is a beautiful and tormented story. I am sorry that you are in so much pain.