I dropped my classes. i am very sad about that, but relieved too. It was too much. So much work and trying to deal with meds (or lack of them). I just couldn’t keep up. It is very similar to what has always happened when I’ve tried to do school, but with one major difference. Since we actually learned by doing things, I still know everything I learned and can use it for my work.
Work has been very busy lately. I have one very big job, and possibly several other smaller jobs coming up. I am hoping to be able to partner with d. We will try a test run with one of the smaller jobs. We have almost completely opposite skills and completely opposite ways of working. I think that is a good thing. She is very organized about the initial process of signing up a client, including managing expectations, writing contracts, and charging realistic prices based on actual time worked, rather than pulling some random number out of the air like I tend to do. She is also skilled at graphic design and has experience making web sites. If I had my way, I would stick to the (x)html/css and back end coding for the site and do technical support for the client after the site is complete. I would leave the business stuff, front end design, and client management to someone else. Could be a match made in heaven if we can somehow merge our oppositeness into a working business.
It is getting harder to keep up with school. The ‘side-effect’ of feeling better lately is that I have lost the super-focus that I was having when I was undermedicated. I have also been very twitchy and shaky which is quite annoying. It is a strange balance. It is still hard for me to get out, but not as hard as before. The main difference is that I am not completely exhausted like before. I can do a wider range of things, but am back to having a one second attention span. Going to see the doc on wednesday, but not sure if I am ready to continue experimenting with new meds and/or doses and timing of meds.
I am tired of waiting and waiting to find the right combination of drugs and going through long periods of terrible side-effects until the next drug or dose kicks in. I will probably keep experimenting, but am thinking of taking a break for a while and going back to figuring out ways to make myself feel better even when things aren’t so good. It has been very hard to do that while continuously messing with my meds, and I am hoping that taking a break will help, at least in the way of keeping things stable for a while. One of my best skills is adapting to life under less than ideal circumstances. It is impossible to adapt to something that keeps changing.
K put some new pictures up on our site… Fall 2006 featuring Nikkyo. Cat pix, fall holidays, and some random people shots.
- Side effects. They have come and they are annoying. Hopefully, they will go away soon!
- Autiblogger. Added user level plugins and a nice new theme today.
- School. Almost done with the CSS class. Maybe the best class I have ever taken. I learned so much in 8 weeks and got every question that I’ve ever had about CSS answered.
- Friend. Heard back from an old high school friend that I recently found on google. Made me happy.
- Nikkyo. Took her to the vet this morning to get spayed. Can’t pick her up until tomorrow after 9:30 am. I miss her.
- Shiki. Thought about her a lot when I dropped Nikkyo off at the vet. The last time I went there and came back without a cat was the last time I ever saw her.
- Work. I have been getting a lot of it lately. Makes me happy.
- Travelling. I wish it was easier for me. Two trips planned for December – Seattle, where K has a training and I will randomly explore, and Chicago for Matt and Laura’s wedding.
- The world. Very scary. What is wrong with people?!
- Water. I really want to go to the water. Good thing this is the last thing on the list!
split second -chop- to another
thought -chop- next </stop> come and gone
can’t even open a website what was i was going to do?
stuck can’t go out. have to go out. have to get out of here. can’t do anything here. typing. time goes by. can’t do anything. just type. have to get out of here. homework to do. can’t do it. at least final project is done. just a few more things to hand in and one peer review.
accidentally failed the database design class. thought the final assignment was due on sunday like in every other class, but it was due on thursday and grades were posted friday. confusing. but all the due dates were posted on the first page of the class at the top. green letters even. sux. i needed that class. have to take it again now. only half price. teacher said if i hand in assignment, i can still use it as a prerequisite for another class. maybe i’ll do that if it’s not too late. but i can’t even do it. it’s not even so hard. just can’t do it.
so hard to do things. stupid meds. fish oil didn’t do anything. went to see the doc a couple of days ago. increased dose of old meds. hopefully that will help but it takes a few weeks to start doing anything. no side effects yet except for being very tired. i hope it works. now it is 2/3 dose of old meds and 2/3 dose of new meds. can’t take full dose of new meds because it makes me stop breathing. old meds can have side effect of sudden fatal liver damage. wtf? supposedly it is less likely to happen if you are taking the drug for a long time. I have been taking it for a lot of years. i hope new dose works. things have been hard for so long. at least i can code.
Life is very busy. Good and bad. It has been hard to keep up with school assignments these past few weeks, but somehow I’ve gotten everything in on time. Sometimes it is easier to do things on the last day.
My last CSS test was really hard. It took me almost two days to finish it. I had no idea there could be so much math involved in CSS! I learned so many things while I was taking the test, but it hurt my brain pretty bad.
I put up the Autistic Planet website, which is pretty bare bones at the moment. Eventually, I would like to add information about all of the sites, and possibly interviews with the people who run the sites that I don’t.
For now, it is serving its purpose of being a central location that links to all of the web sites, the t-shirt store, and the brand new CafePress shop! The CafePress shop offers some fun items including a mouse pad, a messenger bag, a teddy bear, a dog t-shirt, as well as a few other clothing items that are not available from GoodStorm, the place where the t-shirts are from. The GoodStorm t-shirts are now available in children’s sizes.
Maybe someday I will open an online store where I actually make some money. Then I wouldn’t have to fundraise at all!
It is just over a month since Shiki died and I still cry every day. Not as bad as before; usually just once a day now. K got the sweetest stone in the whole world that we will use to mark the spot where we bury her in the garden. Neither of us is ready to bury her yet.
in a box
on the mantle
beneath your picture
to go back to the earth
under a stone
that marks the spot of your final resting place
no life, no body
but i am still not ready to let go
of the box that holds
what is left of you
in this world
A few days ago, our neighbors from across the street randomly brought over a tiny kitten. I fell instantly in love. It is very weird timing since I was planning on never having another cat again and because it is so soon since Shiki died, but it also felt like one of those ‘it was meant to be’ situations. She needed a home and I needed a friend.
I hung out with her the next day and couldn’t really bear to let her go. It was the first time I have been happy during the day since Shiki has been gone. We decided to keep her. I named her Nikkyo (NEE-kee-oh – means ‘second technique’ in Japanese) after my favorite karate move and because she is my second cat.
She sleeps on my lap while I work and licks my head like Shiki used to. It is nice to have a new friend.
sweet bright eyes
my baby is gone
a sweet cat that was
my best friend
14 years of days together
she groomed me when i was sad.
she groomed me this morning.
before we put her down.
scratchy tongue licking my head while i cried because i wasn’t ready to let her go.
but it was her time.
20 years is a long time to be a cat.
gone without pain
it is humane
and that keeps me sane
while i feel all this pain
a tiny cat
filled so much space
a giant hole
is in her place
so happy to see her when i get home
but she is not here
and i am lost