Useless

I have not been able to do anything today. No work. No play. Couldn’t go out. I worked a bunch of long days and nights on the server move and the site upgrade for my client and now I am totally useless. I am pretty sure I have a bunch of work to do, but I can’t figure out what it is. I tried to make a list, but it just confused me more. K is going to help me figure it out this weekend.

My mom helped me brainstorm about ways to make money to pay for the new server and I realized (after doing tons of math yesterday) that I can actually offer people more disk space and bandwidth than I could before. I need to find at least 13 more people paying $100/year to be breaking even. Not sure how I will do that. I am considering doing a promotion of including a free blog with new hosting accounts. If I ever have time again, I will figure it all out. I also need to update my business site because it is 3 years old and WAY out of date. My demos are especially out of date and the content does not accurately describe my services anymore.

I am booked up until June, so can not take on any more website clients until then. I have 5 projects in the works, but am waiting on content for three of them. It is very frustrating to have so much to do and not be able to do anything! I wish I could at least go outside or play a video game. I can play with the kitten. That is a good thing.

I wish I could hire someone to run my brain. They would keep it organized and running smoothly, and I would do all the things that would be able to get done once it was working right. I suppose that is what a business manager does.

I am glad it is Friday. This morning I was convinced that it was Thursday and argued with K about it. I even made her check the calendar. Somehow, I missed a day this week. Not sure which one, only that it wasn’t Tuesday or Thursday.

Yesterday, me and K went to the dentist. It is hard to get me to the dentist even though we have a great dentist. He is right around the corner from my old house in Berkeley. Ever since the first time I went there, over 10 years ago, I have been asking him to pull out my top left wisdom tooth. Every time, he has some reason why it doesn’t need to come out.

After having my teeth painfully cleaned and being reprimanded for not flossing every day, the lady who looked at my x-rays said that I needed to come back and have both top wisdom teeth pulled. There is no room in my mouth for them and one of them (the one I have been trying to get pulled) is pointing sideways and doesn’t do anything except hurt when I eat carrots. I made an appointment for sometime in May. I am not looking forward to it at all, but am glad to finally get my tooth pulled. K will come with me because she rules :)

How come I can write this, but can’t do anything else? Except twitch. I am very twitchy today. I don’t understand how thinking works. Is it really as easy for other people as it seems? Why aren’t other people stuck in their house not even able to watch tv? I am not stupid, but somehow end up being totally useless sometimes. I did help my brother get some info about an imac earlier. I guess I’m not totally useless. I wonder why I can talk about computer stuff almost any time, even when my brain won’t do anything else. It is all very strange. Oh well, what can you do? Back to doing nothing now…

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Duct Tape, Plumbing, and Bad Medicine

Our house is held together by duct tape. Ordinarily, I am a huge fan of duct tape, but using it to hold floor tiles together, lock doors, and replace drywall is getting kind of old. On the other hand, it works pretty well for all of those things, so I am also thankful for it.

Unfortunately, duct tape will not fix everything. After a month of increasingly regular visits from roto rooter, we now have a lovely home video of the inside of our pipes which was taken by them yesterday. In the line between our bathroom and the city main, there are several breaks, some roots, a couple of fractures, cracks, and one large hole. Nice. The entire line needs to be replaced if we want to be able to remove roto rooter from speed dial.
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Strattera

First, for the mac people…. Try this: hit ctrl-opt-cmd-8 on your keyboard. It is my new favorite mac thing.

Medi-cal approved my new meds! Very exciting. I’ve been taking them for about a week now. Hopefully they will work. I always have so much hope. Strattera is the new drug and it is usually prescribed for ADHD. Apparently, it sometimes works for autistic people too. I sure hope so. So far, I only feel side effects. They are not so bad as usual, but still pretty strange.

I have been very tired and falling asleep at random times, which is not something I usually do. Also, a little dizzy and nauseous, but not as bad as I usually get from switching drugs. The strange part is that everything seems kind of surreal. I have been more spaced out than usual and feeling very ‘out of body’, even when I am doing things that are completely in my body, like walking or driving or using the elliptical machine to avoid going stir crazy and beating up our tiles and furniture. It is a strange drug induced haze that I don’t really like, and can’t really get out of. I am hoping it will go away when the meds start to kick in and am avoiding increasing the dose until it isn’t so bad anymore. I am still taking my ‘old old’ meds along with the Strattera. If things go well, I may be able to stop taking them at some point. That would be nice.

Sometimes I am so tired of living in this test tube and having no idea what life will be like from day to day. It is really hard to make plans for anything. I want to go to Florida/Baltimore in April. Soon it will be time to get tickets but I have no idea if I will be able to travel. My 40th birthday is a month from today and I have no idea what I want to do. I like birthdays and am especially excited about this one. It seems like an accomplishment, even though it is really just another day. When I was younger, I never thought I would make it to 40. I don’t even think I wanted to make it to 40. As it turns out, I am glad to still be here.
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Confusion, Rambling, and AASCEND

I am so confused. About everything. One minute I think the meds are starting to finally kick in, and the next that I will have to stop taking them because the only effects are bad ones. I suppose it is a good sign that I occasionally think they are working. It has been a very long time since that thought even entered my mind.

Today, me and K went to the AASCEND‘s 6th Annual Conference On Autism and Asperger Syndrome. For the most part, I am glad we went. It is always good to be around other autistic people. It reminds me that I am not alone. I still need to be reminded.
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thought interrupted

thought interrupted
split second -chop- to another
thought -chop- next </stop> come and gone
can’t even open a website what was i was going to do?

stuck can’t go out. have to go out. have to get out of here. can’t do anything here. typing. time goes by. can’t do anything. just type. have to get out of here. homework to do. can’t do it. at least final project is done. just a few more things to hand in and one peer review.

accidentally failed the database design class. thought the final assignment was due on sunday like in every other class, but it was due on thursday and grades were posted friday. confusing. but all the due dates were posted on the first page of the class at the top. green letters even. sux. i needed that class. have to take it again now. only half price. teacher said if i hand in assignment, i can still use it as a prerequisite for another class. maybe i’ll do that if it’s not too late. but i can’t even do it. it’s not even so hard. just can’t do it.

so hard to do things. stupid meds. fish oil didn’t do anything. went to see the doc a couple of days ago. increased dose of old meds. hopefully that will help but it takes a few weeks to start doing anything. no side effects yet except for being very tired. i hope it works. now it is 2/3 dose of old meds and 2/3 dose of new meds. can’t take full dose of new meds because it makes me stop breathing. old meds can have side effect of sudden fatal liver damage. wtf? supposedly it is less likely to happen if you are taking the drug for a long time. I have been taking it for a lot of years. i hope new dose works. things have been hard for so long. at least i can code.
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Autistic Planet Site and Store

I put up the Autistic Planet website, which is pretty bare bones at the moment. Eventually, I would like to add information about all of the sites, and possibly interviews with the people who run the sites that I don’t.

For now, it is serving its purpose of being a central location that links to all of the web sites, the t-shirt store, and the brand new CafePress shop! The CafePress shop offers some fun items including a mouse pad, a messenger bag, a teddy bear, a dog t-shirt, as well as a few other clothing items that are not available from GoodStorm, the place where the t-shirts are from. The GoodStorm t-shirts are now available in children’s sizes.

Maybe someday I will open an online store where I actually make some money. Then I wouldn’t have to fundraise at all!

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Autistic Planet

Autistic Planet t-shirt graphic

I decided that I need a single name to refer to all of these autism related websites that I am hosting, running, and/or creating. I want to have a website explaining what each site is and ways for people to help support them. I got this idea because I am trying to raise money to move all of the sites to a reliable virtual private server and off of the not completely reliable shared server they are on now. I am feeling extra responsible for server reliability since starting Autiblogger!

My first priority is fundraising to get money to pay for the server. It is not cheap and there is no way I can afford to pay for it myself. I’ve decided to sell products, all or mostly made by autistic people, and to put all of the proceeds from those sales towards keeping up these sites and others like them.

I registered the domain name AutisticPlanet.com after trying about 50 other domain names that were already taken. Then, I created a graphic (above) that I will put on t-shirts and other products and add them to the list of items for sale. [Read more...]

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Autiblogger

I am working on a new project to provide free blogs to the autism community. Autiblogger.com is now in the first public testing phase. It is powered by WordPress MU, and so far all is going very well.

I have been wanting to set this up for a while and am very glad to finally have it working. There were a few problems with the wordpress mu install, but that was because I didn’t have a wildcard DNS entry set up for the domain. It is set up now and everything is working as it should. I wish I would have known to do that the first million times I tried to set up wpmu!

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Casey’s Story

by Casey, age 16, Mississippi, USA

One of my earliest memories consists of me watching the other children play on the playground and make friends with each other while I am sitting on a bench a distance away, flapping my hand around, wishing that I can somehow be a part of their world… and yet I am not sure if I really wanted to be a part of it at all. It is the second week of kindergarten and I am already an outsider in the other children’s eyes.

The week before, I was watching the other children play while trying to block out the noise at the same time. They were all on the slide sliding down a rail and a teacher was helping them. She noticed me standing off to the side and asked me to join them. I hesitantly agreed.
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the details

by d

curious. i first became aware of this when i went to sausalito. i’m
sure it’d been an experience, just i’d never verbalized it,
conceptualized it in this way.

happened again just a while ago, when i went for my lunch-time walk.
this time, camera in hand, towards the embarcadero. which is a bit of
a walk away now.

it might be because of the way i look at things. maybe everyone sees it the same way, just i perceive it differently. seems like an oxymoron, but it’s possible. perception varies in a multi-dimensional manner, it’s not just one way or another.
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