Words Crashing Inside My Head

I was having some trouble thinking earlier and ended up looking at the wordle pix again to quiet my brain. The one below caught my eye because it is a picture of what was going on in my head. It is a pretty accurate illustration of what I mean when I say (or write) that …

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Strange Dreams

seriously strange night. started last night. nightmares. a string of them but i don’t remember most. the last one woke me up and it was horrible. don’t remember most of it just the end. too horrible to write about. wish i could stop thinking about it. at least buster is okay. buster’s our littlest cat …

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Learning is Hard

photo credit: flickrich It is almost a year since the last Harry Potter book was released and equally as long that I have been trying to read it. I am about half way through. I know it is a long book, but at this rate, it will take me 2 years to read it. I …

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Thinking About Autism

Amanda at Ballastexistenz has written an excellent post for Blogging Against Disablism Day describing what it is like to be autistic and taking a look at the trend of accusing people of using autism as an excuse for having poor social skills, among other things. The post goes on to talk about techniques used by …

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4 Good Things

My brain has not been cooperating lately, but thankfully it seems to be taking a turn for the better these past couple of days. Yesterday was the first day I was feeling good enough to get out of the house since Saturday, not including short trips to the BART station. Went to the library in …

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Freak

Locked in my room. Loud in my head. Friends outside. I hear them laughing but I can not join them. I tried. Very bad. So hard to separate their voices. K, Lorena, Tess. It is Tess’ birthday. Happy bday Tess. Makes me tired. I can feel every speck of dust in the air. Hear it. …

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Yoda, I am not

Do or do not. There is no Try. –Yoda I am not a Jedi, so I suppose those words were not meant for me, but from what I can tell, trying = effort and everything takes effort. Therefore, there is a try. Went to another aspie meeting on Sunday. Not sure if I liked it …

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Idiot

Maybe that is an unfair title. I think that most of the time, I am not an idiot. But there are a few things that I am repeatedly stupid about and no matter how many identically bad experiences I have, I do the same thing over and over again. The first thing is having too …

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Too Hard

It is so hard to do things lately. Too hard. Hard to think. Hard to work. Hard to play. There are very few people that I can stand to be around. The rest make my skin crawl. It is loud in my head. Too loud. Sometimes it is background noise. Now it is very loud. …

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Autiblogger 1.3

I have been so busy with work lately that it has been very hard to keep up with non-work websites. Since most of the sites do not need much ongoing maintenance, this has not been a big problem, but Autiblogger has been needing some TLC for a while now. I had to shut down on-site …

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Aspie Handbook?

From Rands In Repose: The Nerd Handbook Your nerd might come off as not liking people. Small talk. Those first awkward five minutes when two people are forced to interact. Small talk is the bane of the nerd’s existence because small talk is a combination of aspects of the world that your nerd hates. When …

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The Importance of Logic

Today is the 8 year anniversary of K’s and my first date (Thursday is our 4th wedding anniversary 🙂 ). Difficult times and all, these have been the best 8 years of my life. K has changed my life in so many ways and opened my mind and heart to possibilities that I never thought …

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aspieSocial

***Anouncement!*** There is a new website for adults on the autistic spectrum who want to meet each other just for the sake of socializing. It is called called aspieSocial. If this sounds interesting to you, please come and join us! Social is usually not the first word that comes to mind when thinking about autistic …

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if $brain >= $fried ? ramble : $code;

I am too busy. I suck at being busy. It is my worst thing and it always ends badly. I am not sure how to not be busy. It is a vicious cycle. As soon as I start feeling better, I want to do things. All the things that I can’t do when I am …

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Too Many Things

I am starting to wonder if it is possible for me to really have a “normal” life. Things are so much better than before and my meds are finally working again, but even though I can do so many more things now, I am realizing that my limits and tolerance are still pretty low. Things …

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Excellent Asperger’s Article

My friend d has written an excellent article about living with asperger’s. I can relate to much of what she said in the post and I am guessing that a lot of people who visit LBnuke will too. The article is called about asperger’s syndrome, in plain english. Definitely worth the click 🙂

very random thoughts from the lake

I am at Lake Merrit, about half way around. Online. This is cool. I am trying to type with 2 thumbs. Better than last time I tried. Still appreciating David Pogue’s punctuation shortcut every time I use it. It is so nice to be able to leave the house again. The water helps my brain. …

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Queer Jews and Karate

2007 SF Gay Pride Parade

A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering when my life would be back to normal. This past weekend, it bulldozed past normal and entered into surreality. Friday night I was still my regular self. Karen went to the dyke march and then out dancing at Mango with Lorena and Tess, and I stayed home because I didn’t want to be around so many people.

On Sunday, the day of the pride parade, I decided that I wanted to go. Not just go. I wanted to MARCH IN THE PARADE with our temple (or at least what might be our temple if we ever get around to checking it out more). I had a good time. It is actually less crowded in the parade than watching it from the sidelines. There was this Jewish youth group in front of us that were all wearing bright orange shirts. Fresh squeezed orange jews. Sorry, I tried not to write that, but I couldn’t resist. Every time the parade stopped, they would perform a same sex jewish wedding under a rainbow flag chuppah, smash a plastic cup wrapped in a napkin, and then run around in circles singing. Made me happy.

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Back To Normal?

For the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling much better than I have in at least a year. My new meds are finally working pretty good, even great in comparison to the last 2 horribly failed experiments. I can breathe. My body is not completely taken over in every way possible. I can work. I can leave the house.

Still, things do not feel completely normal yet. This weekend, me and K went to a party to celebrate one of my Sensei’s promotion from Godan (5th degree black belt) to Rokudan (6th degree black belt, Master) and a bunch of other promotions too. Rokudan is a pretty huge deal in Cuong Nhu. There are only 5 in total and only one woman (my Sensei). I wasn’t sure I would make it, but I really wanted to go. It was a great reason to celebrate and I miss my dojo very much.

It occurred to me that the thing that would make my life feel “normal” again would be going back to class. Besides from loving martial arts, going to class was the only regular contact I had with other people. A dojo is a special place and I have been very lucky to find such a great school with the most amazing teachers I could ever imagine and a bunch of nice people in general. I have been a student there for 10 years.

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Aspie Dinner

Friday night I went out to dinner with the people from the asperger’s meetup group that I’ve been to a few times. It was lots of fun. Really nice people. I liked it way better than meeting at someone’s house. Less pressure somehow and I didn’t feel trapped like I sometimes do. The dinner was …

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