Breathing, writing, and panicking in no particular order


long rambling and moderate panic to follow but i am okay now so please don’t call an ambulance 🙂 I will keep this whole post besides this disclaimer off the front page for that matter.

hard to breathe. think i will be ok because have been ok other days this past week when i couldn’t breathe. not sure what to do. can take emergency meds but scared to have more meds in me. so for now i will write. don’t know why. a diversion i think. i think it is helping. server was down this morning. what bad timing! never had a problem with that server before. down for a few hours. oy. can’t even look up at computer, but helps to type. too dizzy to look up. look up to fix spellcheck errors once in a while. don’t know why. something to do. this sucks. at least i am breathing. wonder if i will post this on the internet. probably. it is what i do. not even sure why. now it is in textedit. the notepad of the mac. so many fancy programs and i use this one the most. less since yojimbo. good program for simple notes organizing. very searchable. no nested folders but i like that. simpler and easy to find things with search. don’t have to dig through folders. fuck it is hard to breathe. will take emergency med if it doesn’t get better soon. sucks. fuck. spellcheck. type. funny the things that help. cold and shaky. fuck. yeah, i will post it on lbnuke. maybe someone else is having a hard time and can’t breathe and is scared and maybe they will read it. not sure how it would help. if i was reading this i don’t know if it would help. i couldn’t even read it right now if i wanted to. funny how i can write but not read. ha ha. not really so funny. would consider the hospital again but i am mostly sure i will be more okay here than there. just have to breathe and it will get better eventually. it has every day. even the hospital day. spellcheck. hee hee. spelled spellcheck wrong and had to fix it. d instead of s. typo. what a crazy life. have work to do. a whole bunch of work. hope i can do it soon. at least server is back up. i still keep checking to make sure. unfortunately a new client on server. bad timing. pawma site too. glad it is back up. think i will make backups while i am writing. more distraction. good idea too. new client first. databases are on a different server but will back them up anyway just to feel better. i have a sudden need to have something within my control. gee, i wonder why. hands are tingling. scary. root said it is from not enough oxygen. backups later. cold. this is fucked up. hospital tests say i have enough oxygen in my blood. i’m freezing. have to try not to panic because that makes it worse. almost time for emergency meds. don’t really want to take it. scared. think i have to. they are in my pocket thanks to k. just took it. hands are shaking. fucking childproof cap. hope it works soon. stops the snowball. that is good. takes a while to kick in. spellcheck. what a crappy day. scary meds. nothing to do except wait. i am waiting. waiting for emergency meds to kick in. waiting for bad meds to get out. waiting to stop shaking and freezing. waiting until it is easier to breathe. sucks. have to take a break. just have to wait. that was about a 10 second break. better to keep typing. close all other windows. too many. don’t look at screen. just type. breathe. cmd-s save. rambling. suppose that is the point of this site. funny to write that while i am still in textedit. keep forgetting what it’s called. keep thinking wordpad. i hate wordpad. breathe. type. this is fucked up. have i mentioned that? sux to be alone, but i know no one can help. not even hospital. just have to wait. good thing i am patient. 5 p’s. patience practice til perfect perseverance can’t remember the others. 2 more. think. breathe. breathe. maybe there are only 3 p’s. for now there is. now i’m hot but my hands are cold. but i am breathing and that is a good thing. now i am just writing to myself because i can’t think. but it’s helping. so i will keep doing it. until i feel better. fuck. meds will help soon i think. don’t look at the screen. fuck. type. keep typing. spellcheck. more mistakes now. harder to type right. almost every word wrong. good thing for spellcheck. why can’t macs auto spell correct? they are so smart in most ways, but dumb about spellcheck. can’t type anything right now but will keep trying. fix it later. fuck. it will be ok. cmd-s. save. spellcheck. have to keep this window very small. about 3.5 inches wide maybe 4 long. fuck. don’t look at the screen. just type. fuck. glad i took emergency meds. i suppose i am freaking out. good thing i can write. even though i can’t seem to type so good any more. even spellcheck can’t tell what i’m writing half the time now but i can still tell. that is good. breathe. good thing i am so sure i am going to be ok or i would be freaking out even more. my hands are freezing but i am sweating. that is just because i am freaking out. emergency meds will help the snowball. hard to be calm when you can’t breathe, but i know that is what is best. just have to keep breathing. freezing and hot. wonder how long ago i took those meds. not so long. it is 10:34am now. maybe 10 minutes ago. not long enough. at least half hour sometimes more. i can wait. not like i have another choice. one good thing. not in the hospital. that is a good thing. very good thing. k wanted to stay home. glad you didn’t stay home k. nothing to do except for wait. i know i can call and you would come home. tc and susan and root would help too if they were around. other people too. adriene. lucky to have people to help. too bad no one can. still helps to know people care and would help if they could. but i can help myself. and i am. funny how much rambling can help. that’s how this site started. to ramble. but i get sidetracked with webtech. PHP. mysql. good things. open source. a little easier to breathe i think. maybe meds working. i guess other people can help even when they aren’t here. helps to think about them. slow. meds make things slower. starting to work. that is good. hands still tingling. what a crazy life. somehow i am mostly sure that i will be ok. i think it is because i went to the hospital on tuesday and things were even worse and all tests were ok and i had oxygen in my blood. only bp and pulse were low but that happens sometimes anyway. makes me dizzy. less dizzy now. thanks to you people that aren’t here. seriously. you think i am kidding but i mean it. it is better than if you were really here. then i would have felt bad. this way, i don’t feel bad and it helped anyway. meds are working. still shallow breathing but that is way better than no breathing. way better. it rocks. meds are working. stop the snowball but can’t help me breathe totally right. have to wait for the bad meds to get out. drink lots of water. feeling better. i love shallow breathing. i think i am ok now. i think i should write a disclaimer before i go putting this on the internet. don’t want anyone to be calling an ambulance. sick of ambulances.

2 thoughts on “Breathing, writing, and panicking in no particular order”

  1. Hi LB, this is Aunt Suzy. No time to log on right now, I have to go to work, but I think we should talk about your attacks because I had these symptoms for many years (not caused by meds). I learned after a long while some things that can help. I don’t know if it’s exactly the same in your case, but from your detailed description it sounds like the meds are causing you to develop a severe panic disorder. It is not in your mind, the symptoms are physical and very disturbing. It is an intense fight or flight reaction. In my bad days I had many episodes of tingling, sweating hands, dizziness, fainting, heart racing, feelings of unreality. Feeling unable to catch my breath, feeling certain I was going to die. Many trips to the emergency, many doctors shrugging and sending me home with no help. It caused me to develop phobias of situations where I had the attacks, there were many and they lasted for years. My dear, you don’t want to get to that point. Perhaps we can talk tonight, or I will email you.

  2. Thanks Aunt Suzy. Yes, please email me. I would love to know things that help! It turned out to be an allergic reaction to the new meds even though the dose wasn’t very high. Slow deep breaths when possible, pacing around the house, and writing while I was freaking out helped pretty good. Some of the other stuff like tingling was from bp being too low. Salt and pacing helped. Even when I was done panicking, it was still very hard to breathe until the meds were out of my system. According to the internet, it was supposed to take 30 hours, but it took closer to 35. When it finally wore off, I started breathing like normal again.


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