A very exciting history of personal and BeeDragon gravatars from 2008-2018.
I am in a bad place. Not the worst place by far, but it keeps getting worse. My brain is starting to shut down and it is getting harder to come back. It happens whenever there are too many things. It has always happened, and no matter what kinds of medicines I take, or therapy I do, I am pretty sure that there is nothing that can stop it. Except for the obvious, which is to not have too many things. I don’t think that is possible. Life is things.
Sometimes, writing helps to sort out the things. I have not written here much in a while, but have many spreadsheets and Evernote notes filled with attempts at making order out of the things. Somehow, my attempts at figuring this out have led to more things, such as working with the Maryland DORS to get help finding a job working for someone else instead of myself. I don’t know if I even want that, or would be able to do it if given the chance, and going through this process is stressing me out. I am pretty attached to my business, even though it drives me crazy.
I want a business partner. I can’t seem to give up that idea even though I can not figure out how to make it happen. It is a miracle that I make money each year. It is not much, and no matter how much better I get at making estimates and charging the right amount of money, I still end up working all the time for very little in return.
Sometimes, I think finding a few other people and starting an agency would be better than finding a single partner, but that is even more confusing. I have no idea how to make that work. There are so many details — the same details that I already can not figure out in my own business, only more so.
I am a coder, and when necessary, a designer, but a web business needs more than that. Thankfully Karen helps me with billing. Having a project manager on retainer has also helped a lot, but it is very hard for me to be organized enough to even give the PM what she needs to be able to organize my projects. I would not need to do that if I worked with other people. We would all do what we were skilled at.
I am so tired of trying to do all the things all the time. It is wearing me down and it makes me tired and it is hard to sleep and I dread the next day. Stupid money.
I don’t know what to do. There are too many things and I have a ton of work to do and I can’t think. I need to send estimates for projects, and do research for other projects, and work on my current projects. I spent half the day working and then had to escape. Went to the PO Box to check for checks. It was empty, but it was nice to take a walk and listen to my new favorite podcast of the moment for a while. Now I should work again, but I am here rambling. That is what I come here to do.
I will stop rambling for now. Some things are good. Awesome even. Karen and the cats and my family ♥ They are the best, and they make me very happy, and I am lucky to have them all!
I turned 50 on January 28th. It was a pretty exciting birthday for me. For a person who didn’t think they would make it to eighteen, 50 years old feels like an achievement. 18 seemed like one too, but more like one that was achieved by luck. 50 took a lot more work.
In honor and remembrance of my 50th year on this planet, I would like to list 50 random thoughts that have been jumbling around in my head…
- 50 is the age that I consider to be “officially old™”. I am okay with that. Being 50 is a privilege and rite of passage.
- When I was younger, I was very unhappy, but also very lucky. I have a family who loves me and has always taken care of me the best that they could. It is thanks to them and other kind souls that have befriended me over the years that I am still here to write this post.
- Over the years, I have managed to make a few very close friends and to become closer to my family.
- Being with Karen has been an adventure in love and life that provides joy and hope even at the hardest times.
- Life has been extra challenging since we moved to Baltimore 6 years ago and I do not see an end to that any time soon.
- My day to day life is kind of lonely and I have not made many close friends here.
- I am not good at having friends, and not completely sure how I have managed to make such good ones over the years.
- It is hard for me to be with people and in crowds, and hard to concentrate well enough to keep up with conversations. It drains me until my brain completely shuts down.
- Running my business is a challenge and I work way too many hours for way too little pay.
- I am good at my job and I am bad at running a business. Still, I keep trying year after year and make enough money that it would be badly missed if I didn’t have it, but is barely above the poverty level and much less than it would be if I was working with or for somebody who knew how to manage a business.
- I am still hoping to find my “magic business partner” or employer someday.
- Even with all the challenges, life has been good to me in so many ways and I am very thankful for that.
- I am glad we are here to help K’s parents.
- I love Baltimore and many of the people I have met here.
- I love being with Karen and Nikkyo and Buster (cats) and living in our awesome apartment (Thanks Lisa!).
- I love my karate school, and sometimes wish I could just do karate all the time.
- I wish Karen and I had enough time and money to get out of town once in a while.
- I wish we had enough money to not stress about it so much. Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but it can relieve stress and less stress can cause happiness.
- I miss Lake Merritt in Oakland and the San Francisco Bay.
- I wish I could work for AWN (Autism Women’s Network) full time.
- I wish I had more time to code for fun and not just for work. I have some ideas for projects that would teach me new skills, possibly lead to income, and/or would provide a helpful service to some people, but no time to work on them.
- I miss my family terribly. It is easier to see them now that we live on the same coast again, but still hard for me to travel, especially on airplanes. I wish we lived in driving distance of each other.
- I miss the Russian River and Armstrong Woods.
- I wish the world made sense and that people didn’t lie.
- I wish that people really cared about each other and helped each other.
- The only thing about turning fifty that has made it seem very old is writing this list and realizing how many items 50 actually is.
- I am pretty sure I spend more time than the average person thinking about dinosaurs.
- I like to spar.
- I wish my brain worked “right”, but am not completely sure I would want to be a RegularPerson™.
- I have been a vegetarian for 30 years and think that if I started eating meat again I would have more energy. Was going to try it when I was 50, but as of yet, have not.
- I think I would excel at being a cat.
- “Cutting the Cord” is much cheaper than cable TV, but I miss the ease of use and channel availability of Comcast.
- I wish the haters would always lose. I am not sure what that means for me if I hate the haters.
- I used to build and fix “WinTel” computers, and was amazed at the awesome quality, reliability, and ease of use when I switched to macs 13 years ago.
- I first learned to program on an Apple IIe that my dad had, and a Commodore 64 and VIC-20 that were at my high school.
- I rarely took part in extra-curricular activities when I was in school, but over the years spent some time as a member of the computer club, Mathletes, and the Spanish club.
- When I was younger, I understood Hebrew pretty well. I can still read it, but have a very limited vocabulary now.
- I love WordPress.
- I love Laravel more than I love WordPress, but see many advantages to using WordPress for the types of websites I most often build for my clients.
- I love Drupal, but have no reason to use it. Sometimes I go out of my way to look for a reason.
- If I had time, I would learn Python.
- Lisa baked me the best cake in the whole world for my 50th birthday. Thanks Lisa!
- I like cold weather when I have the appropriate outerwear.
- Hexagons make me feel peaceful.
- I am a cat person and a dog person, but prefer cats because they are easier to take care of.
- I occasionally contemplate what life would be like if I was a panda.
- I am a lot like my dad.
- I wish I was also a lot like my mom. She is a social and organizational genius.
- I like to play video games and currently play WoW. The Fallout series is probably my favorite of all time.
- I would like to learn how to play D&D or something similar with real people.
The results of yesterday’s election truly saddened me. I am horrified that Donald Trump will be our next president. The amount of people that voted for him both frightens and angers me. He is the personification of so many things that are wrong with this country, this society, and humanity in general. I do not understand how any person who is decent and good could vote for him. He is a racist, misogynist, homophobic, petty, evil man, and I can see no good that will come from having voted for him.
I am afraid that my marriage will no longer be legal. I am afraid for the future of my health insurance. When I think about what today must be like for Muslim Americans, Mexican Americans, immigrants, all non-white Americans, non-Christian Americans, Disabled Americans, non-heterosexuals, non-gender-conforming individuals, and all women and girls, my heart breaks and I want to set the world on fire.
A Wakeup Call to Action
I understand why people want change. I think Hillary Clinton is an amazing woman in many ways, and I wish she was going to be our next president, but she really does represent the status quo. The status quo does not benefit everyone, and fighting to keep it intact is harmful to large groups of people. Progressive ideas and talk do not mean anything if there is no action to back them up. They make no improvements to the lives of people who are suffering.
The need for change is no excuse to elect a man like Donald Trump. It is also not an excuse to ignore glaring problems that exist within our own platforms and beliefs. We need to to examine the fact that much of what we accept as liberal and progressive ideas and values are not enough, and are sometimes built on the same racist, classist system that we are supposedly trying to change. If we ignore these things, we are lying to ourselves when we say that we want true equality and opportunity in this country.
I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what is needed. My faith in people has dropped considerably since yesterday. The only good that I can see coming from this is that it could be the wakeup call we have long needed. A call to action to the people who want to make this country a better place. An event that will force us to take a step back and think about what “a better place” means for everyone, and not just ourselves, and organize around that. I don’t know if that is possible, but I have to hope that it is.
we mourn the lost ones
we honor the brave heroes
we remember them all
not always impossible
when in the right crowd
thank you laracon
for making this hardest thing
seem like a good time