First, for the mac people…. Try this: hit ctrl-opt-cmd-8 on your keyboard. It is my new favorite mac thing.

Medi-cal approved my new meds! Very exciting. I’ve been taking them for about a week now. Hopefully they will work. I always have so much hope. Strattera is the new drug and it is usually prescribed for ADHD. Apparently, it sometimes works for autistic people too. I sure hope so. So far, I only feel side effects. They are not so bad as usual, but still pretty strange.

I have been very tired and falling asleep at random times, which is not something I usually do. Also, a little dizzy and nauseous, but not as bad as I usually get from switching drugs. The strange part is that everything seems kind of surreal. I have been more spaced out than usual and feeling very ‘out of body’, even when I am doing things that are completely in my body, like walking or driving. It is a strange drug induced haze that I don’t really like, and can’t really get out of. I am hoping it will go away when the meds start to kick in and am avoiding increasing the dose until it isn’t so bad anymore. I am still taking my ‘old old’ meds along with the Strattera. If things go well, I may be able to stop taking them at some point. That would be nice.

Sometimes I am so tired of living in this test tube and having no idea what life will be like from day to day. It is really hard to make plans for anything. I want to go to Florida/Baltimore in April. Soon it will be time to get tickets but I have no idea if I will be able to travel. My 40th birthday is a month from today and I have no idea what I want to do. I like birthdays and am especially excited about this one. It seems like an accomplishment, even though it is really just another day. When I was younger, I never thought I would make it to 40. I don’t even think I wanted to make it to 40. As it turns out, I am glad to still be here.

Things are better now in so many ways. I am lucky. I want to be here. Even though I always say I am antisocial and often don’t like to be around people, there are people that I like a lot and really want to have in my life. I love my job and I want to work. I want to be able to use my skills to help the autistic community and other random communities that need web sites and tech support. I want to be there for Karen and the cats and my family and friends.

It is strange to be so tired of dealing with life in some ways, but to want to be a part of it so badly in other ways. Maybe it is not so strange. I suppose it may even be ‘normal’ up until the point where you start considering ending your life, in which case it takes a turn for the very strange. For those of you following along at home, I am not considering that at all, just speculating based on past experience.

Rambling. Hard to focus. Some things to focus on… Macworld. Starts in 11 days according to my macworld countdown widget. Work. Tons of it to do. Wish I could focus on it a little more specifically than that. B is here. It is nice to see her. D will be staying here in January. I am glad about that too. In February it will be 10 years since I started doing martial arts. I wonder if I will ever be able to go back to class. This is turning more into a list of things that I can’t focus on. Oh well, gotta start somewhere. For now, I will consider it an accomplishment that I can focus on things that I can’t focus on. Oy. I hope these meds kick in soon!