Server Load, Share-This, and No Trip

Earlier today my site started loading crazily slow. I checked other sites on the server, and they were all like that. I called LiquidWeb and they told me that it was because of having a really high server load and using more memory than I am allocated. Hard to pinpoint the exact cause because it depends on everything that is happening on all of my sites. The guy said that if it keeps happening, I will have to move to a dedicated server (on a VPS now). I really hope that doesn’t happen! It will cost at least twice as much per month as the VPS. Not sure what to do, especially since my next client site will be using tons of bandwidth for playing huge mp3 files and I already agreed on a hosting price of $100/year because I had no idea about the server resource problem. I also didn’t know how gigantic their mp3 files were at the time. Dang.

I finally got the Share-This plugin to work nearly right. Problems in IE. Surprise. Sending email returns people to a blank page. I give up!

Sometimes, I really hate being me. Usually, I like it okay. I am very lucky in a lot of ways. Most ways. But once in a while, I get very down on myself and very jealous of other people. I get tired of having a hard time doing basic things like reading, traveling, talking, leaving the house, working, even playing video games! It makes me feel like an idiot. I know that there are lots of things I am good at, and that sometimes those basic things are not hard at all, but when they are, it is very annoying. How can it be hard to play video games? That is completely ridiculous!

I will not be going on our trip to Florida and Baltimore. After putting off the decision for months in hopes of a miracle, I finally gave up yesterday and decided that I can’t go. It has only been a little over a week that I’ve been taking the new meds, and even though I feel much better since I got off the Strattera, it has not been enough time for the new meds to really kick in. Karen canceled my tickets and changed hers so that she can fly straight to Baltimore with Lorena on Saturday.

I am bummed. I really wanted to go, but I was afraid that if I did, things would be bad, and I didn’t want it to be a situation where K or anyone else had to be worrying about me or taking care of me. Also, I just didn’t want things to be bad again when I just started feeling better. Too many things. Traveling and being around so many people, passover at K’s folks house, being busy almost all the time, not being able to work when I have so much to do. Too much.

It sucks extra bad because the timing was so perfect. I would have gotten to see my whole family and Cindy and Helene in Florida. Now, I will have to take 2 trips to see them all. I am hoping to be able to go to Florida in a couple of months, maybe for Hannah’s 1st birthday party and/or when Leopard comes out and my dad and Bri get new imacs so I can teach them all the great things about using a mac. At some point, I also want to go to NY to see Cindy and Helene, but it will be harder because they will both be working, and it might not be possible for K to get time off of work for one or both trips.

Somehow, K manages to have hope that a miracle will still happen by tonight and I will be able to go. She knows it is very unlikely, but I love that she can still keep the faith. Right now, it is hard for me to have hope, especially since my tickets are canceled, but in the back of my mind, it is hard to give up completely.

The good news is that K has the week off starting tomorrow until she leaves early saturday morning. It will be nice to get to spend that time with her. Still, I would rather be going.

4 thoughts on “Server Load, Share-This, and No Trip”

  1. I know that you feel the way you do and I wish it weren’t so hard to be you. You are the opposite of an idiot – you are the smartest person I know, so smart in fact that you are opting to put yourself first and take care of yourself rather than putting yourself in a really bad situation having to deal with both our families in your current state. Despite my optimism and hope, ultimately you are doing the thing that I am always after you to do, which is to listen to what your body and brain are telling you and that is exactly what you are doing, what you should be doing, even though I even lose sight of it myself and try to convince you otherwise – sometimes despite what you say, I am a selfish partner. I will miss you terribly but so happy to get to spend some non-family time with you, it’s an extra special bonus. We will get to see our families again together when it’s a better time 🙂

  2. i totally understand the feeling, you know that, cuz i’m pretty f**ked up as well. but still, even though i know all the stuff you go thru, you are still highly intelligent and incredibly talented. islands of ability. the gaping oceans suck, but the islands are small places teeming with unbridled brilliance and potential.

  3. Aww shucks. You guys are making me blush. Don’t tell anyone. Thanks for the nice words 🙂 It helps me remember the good things too. Sometimes I get stuck in the bad hole. I am lucky to have you people to help me out of it.

    my sweetie – you are not a selfish partner. just a hopeful optimist! That is a good thing 🙂 Hopefully we can visit my family in May for Hannah’s first b-day party! For now, it is very nice to have a not so busy quiet week for a change.


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