I was having some trouble thinking earlier and ended up looking at the wordle pix again to quiet my brain. The one below caught my eye because it is a picture of what was going on in my head. It is a pretty accurate illustration of what I mean when I say (or write) that “the words crash inside of my head”. (Click the image to enlarge) [singlepic=13,450,248,,center] The reason it is hard for me to think and read sometimes is because I don’t think in straight lines. I think in grids. Hard to explain. Some people call it thinking in pictures. For me, the pictures are more like 3D wireframe models that can be viewed from every angle and direction, including from the inside out. Nothing at all resembling a straight line like a sentence does. When I can’t see the grid and try to think in words, they do not form sentences in my head. They are individual units floating around and crashing into each other without ever making any sense. It is annoying, but I feel kind of lucky that usually the words stay together and are not further divided into individual letters or individual shapes that make up the letters. Looking at the pix and/or writing this appears to have had its intended effect. I better get back to work now before it wears off!
seriously strange night. started last night. nightmares. a string of them but i don’t remember most. the last one woke me up and it was horrible. don’t remember most of it just the end. too horrible to write about. wish i could stop thinking about it. at least buster is okay. buster’s our littlest cat for those out of the k&l crazy cat lady loop.
woke up disoriented. me and k went to the sfmoma to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit. it was great of course, but definitely did not help with my grasp of reality. started feeling weird again this evening. hard to tell what is real. i hate that. it scares me. feels like a current of electricity is moving through me. not high voltage like sometimes when i can’t stop moving. lower like a fizzle. everything seems kind of surreal. get confused. playing boggle w/k helped for a little while. haven’t played that in a long time. it was under the bed. watched eureka on tv. strange episode. space time continuum mind mess kind of stuff. strange day to have such extra strange media on. spent a short time in azeroth as well.
so, back to the dream. it freaks me completely out and i wake up. k wakes up and i tell her not to remind me that i had a bad dream if i forgot when i woke up for real. i usually forget. couldn’t forget this one. actually, forgot most of it. just remember the end. maybe stuck in my mind forever. might write about it if i thought it would help, but i don’t think it will and i think it would get stuck in someone else’s mind and that would be very bad.
after boggle tried to read. or maybe that was before, but fiction is also another bad place to be when you are not completely at grips with your grip on reality. no idea if that made any sense. don’t care. just writing to come back. couldn’t sleep. this is night 2 for those following along at home. not last night of the bad dream. had bad dreams anyway, but not as bad. just weird. electricity. freezing but it is not freezing here. was having trouble breathing earlier. not real trouble. the kind like before. real, but not really real. what? see what i mean? finally had to get up. sleep was not happening. hopefully it will eventually come.
wasn’t sure what to do. should i write? apparently so since that is the first thing i started doing. thought about playing but not really the best time to enter yet another world. thought about turning on im to see if maybe tc is awake. still might do that. would be nice to say hi. i think i will do that now. adium. i love adium. just as i suspected. hi tc.
sometimes writing helps find reality again. always a good thing. i think. when i get like this sometimes i have flashbacks to being a kid when this kind of thing used to happen. way more often than it does now. didn’t scare me like it does now. didn’t even know it was a problem. maybe it wasn’t. but now i’m not so sure. as suspected, writing is helping and i believe that I am back in the present moment of the present universe. thank goodness for that. electricity not gone yet. that part might be hormonal. funny how total randomness can occur at the same time each month. but it is not time to think about the actual randomness or non-randomness of randomly non-random things. seriously, this is what i am writing AFTER i have come back to reality? oy.
im-ing w/tc now. that is helping. thanks tc 🙂
tc is going to make an alt on my server, the scryers. that makes me happy. i will meet her there and show her around.
an offsite backup just started. mozy. so many automatic backups i can’t even keep track. i sure do hope they work when i need them. usually they do. almost always i can save something from time machine or daily clone. there have been a few times going in the way back archive machine that have saved my butt with client files.
wordpress 2.6 saves post revisions. have used it a bunch of times already.
backup is done. in game with tc.
that was fun. tc started a little druid and we leveled her to 2. nice to hang w/tc. feel better now. strangely enough going to azeroth landed me back in oakland.
Tawn and Teruna dancing in the road.