life

Dedicated $erver

My new meds are still working much better than the last ones. It is still hard to concentrate, work, play, and read, but for the most part, I am feeling about a million times better than I was just a short time ago 🙂

It is easier to be with people. I had a really good weekend that turned out to be very social and I didn’t even hate it at all. On Friday, I met D at the White Horse for a little while. It was very nice to see her. She is one of the very few people that I can ‘talk geek’ with. It is a rare and beautiful thing. We have other things in common too that make it easier for me to hang with her than it sometimes is to hang other people. She came over and had dinner with me and K.

After dinner, we all went to Velvet to meet Lorena and Tess. It was a good night. We played pool even though we were all sucking pretty bad, even D who is actually good at pool. There were a few obstacles like a giant pole and huge speaker in the way of making certain shots. Still it was fun, even though my knuckle is still a little swollen from smacking it into the giant pole while trying to shoot around it. Eventually, I completely lost all focus of what was going on around me and went into my own special world where it is quiet and stimuli is almost non-existent. I think D ended up in some other world too. I am lucky to be able to do that. Otherwise I would have needed very badly to get out of the bar immediately.

Yesterday, me and K went to Spin’s birthday party. That was lots of fun too. Happy birthday Spins! Nice people and a custom ‘Pin the Tail on the Tigger’ game with Spin’s features imposed on Tigger and magnetic tails for pinning that was made with obvious love for her by her guy. He even had a special ‘tail’ for himself which was actually a heart that matched the heart on the card that he gave her (at least I assumed that card was from him. Only saw the outside, but it had an identical heart). Very sweet 🙂 Other than that, me and K did some errands and even had a little bit of quiet time to watch Prehistoric Planet and for K to start a puzzle that she has wanted to do for a while, but hasn’t had the time.

And then, tragedy struck… (not really. just having a sudden flair for the dramatic)

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Server Load, Share-This, and No Trip

Earlier today my site started loading crazily slow. I checked other sites on the server, and they were all like that. I called LiquidWeb and they told me that it was because of having a really high server load and using more memory than I am allocated. Hard to pinpoint the exact cause because it depends on everything that is happening on all of my sites. The guy said that if it keeps happening, I will have to move to a dedicated server (on a VPS now). I really hope that doesn’t happen! It will cost at least twice as much per month as the VPS. Not sure what to do, especially since my next client site will be using tons of bandwidth for playing huge mp3 files and I already agreed on a hosting price of $100/year because I had no idea about the server resource problem. I also didn’t know how gigantic their mp3 files were at the time. Dang.

I finally got the Share-This plugin to work nearly right. Problems in IE. Surprise. Sending email returns people to a blank page. I give up!

Sometimes, I really hate being me. Usually, I like it okay. I am very lucky in a lot of ways. Most ways. But once in a while, I get very down on myself and very jealous of other people. I get tired of having a hard time doing basic things like reading, traveling, talking, leaving the house, working, even playing video games! It makes me feel like an idiot. I know that there are lots of things I am good at, and that sometimes those basic things are not hard at all, but when they are, it is very annoying. How can it be hard to play video games? That is completely ridiculous!

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Good Things

I am finally feeling better! It’s only been a few days, but I am hoping it will last. So far, I haven’t had any trouble breathing at all with the new old meds. It has been easier to think, easier to work, easier to play. Still can’t read, but maybe that will come later.

Last night, I did something that I haven’t done in a really long time. I actually called people to see if they wanted to go out. K and A and R were going to see AC/Dshe in the city (San Francisco). I didn’t want to go because the show didn’t start until 11pm and I thought I probably wouldn’t want to be out in the city that late.

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New Old Meds

So much going on. New meds. Well, not exactly new. Same as the last meds only in a different formula and dose of pill. Started yesterday. So far, so good. I can breathe. Hopefully the new kind of pill will not give me the same kind of allergic reaction as the last time. I realized when I picked it up this time that ‘trouble breathing’ is listed in the package insert as a possible allergic reaction, not as a side effect.

The good news is that the side effects of strattera are finally wearing off. My body feels more normal and the strange sores that I’ve been getting underneath the skin on my hands and feet has almost completely disappeared just as suddenly as they appeared shortly after I started taking the meds. Mystery solved. All those blood tests for nothing.

It has been very hard to work. Even hard to play. I am half playing while I am writing this. Turning in quests. It has been fun playing warcrack with the mac guild, the Reservoir Dogcows. Nice folks. I still haven’t played much in groups, but when I did, they were very helpful. Tsayad the night elf hunter (that’s me) is almost level 40. That is a cool thing in world of warcraft. For hunters like Tsayad, it means you can start wearing mail armor instead of leather. It also means you can get a ‘mount’, which is an animal that you ride on so you can go a lot faster. For a night elf, the standard mount is one of several giant cats. Cool.

I have so much work to do. I sure hope these meds kick in soon! I wonder if I will ever be able to read again. I suppose I should be patient. There are good things too.

We got a harness and a long lead for Nikkyo and have been taking her outside in the backyard. She likes it 🙂 Mostly she sniffs the other cats and eats grass. Cats sure do like to eat grass.

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Duct Tape, Plumbing, and Bad Medicine

Our house is held together by duct tape. Ordinarily, I am a huge fan of duct tape, but using it to hold floor tiles together, lock doors, and replace drywall is getting kind of old. On the other hand, it works pretty well for all of those things, so I am also thankful for it.

Unfortunately, duct tape will not fix everything. After a month of increasingly regular visits from roto rooter, we now have a lovely home video of the inside of our pipes which was taken by them yesterday. In the line between our bathroom and the city main, there are several breaks, some roots, a couple of fractures, cracks, and one large hole. Nice. The entire line needs to be replaced if we want to be able to remove roto rooter from speed dial.

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Happy Anniversary

Seven years ago, my life changed and my world was turned upside down. Sunday was the 7th anniversary of Karen and my first date. Tomorrow is our 3rd wedding anniversary. I do not have the words to describe what having Karen in my life for the past 7 years has meant to me, but the first two that come to mind are love and magic.

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Surprise!

A long time ago, Karen promised that she would never throw me a surprise party. She also promised that she would never lie to me. Today, after a surprise party last night which followed about a month of deceit, I find myself surprisingly (and pleasantly) not angry at all.

I was surprised to say the least! Me and Karen and TC were hanging out in the living room when the doorbell rang. I answered it and looked outside to see about 10 or 12 people who I know and like standing there holding balloons and smiling at me. I honestly did not know what to make of it. I think I figured it out about a minute later when they all quietly yelled “Surprise!”, but my brain was still trying to make some sense of it as they started coming inside the house.

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Strattera

First, for the mac people…. Try this: hit ctrl-opt-cmd-8 on your keyboard. It is my new favorite mac thing.

Medi-cal approved my new meds! Very exciting. I’ve been taking them for about a week now. Hopefully they will work. I always have so much hope. Strattera is the new drug and it is usually prescribed for ADHD. Apparently, it sometimes works for autistic people too. I sure hope so. So far, I only feel side effects. They are not so bad as usual, but still pretty strange.

I have been very tired and falling asleep at random times, which is not something I usually do. Also, a little dizzy and nauseous, but not as bad as I usually get from switching drugs. The strange part is that everything seems kind of surreal. I have been more spaced out than usual and feeling very ‘out of body’, even when I am doing things that are completely in my body, like walking or driving. It is a strange drug induced haze that I don’t really like, and can’t really get out of. I am hoping it will go away when the meds start to kick in and am avoiding increasing the dose until it isn’t so bad anymore. I am still taking my ‘old old’ meds along with the Strattera. If things go well, I may be able to stop taking them at some point. That would be nice.

Sometimes I am so tired of living in this test tube and having no idea what life will be like from day to day. It is really hard to make plans for anything. I want to go to Florida/Baltimore in April. Soon it will be time to get tickets but I have no idea if I will be able to travel. My 40th birthday is a month from today and I have no idea what I want to do. I like birthdays and am especially excited about this one. It seems like an accomplishment, even though it is really just another day. When I was younger, I never thought I would make it to 40. I don’t even think I wanted to make it to 40. As it turns out, I am glad to still be here.

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Seattle

I am in Seattle now, in the atrium of our hotel. K has a social work conference here that started yesterday and ends today.

atrium

“The Atrium”

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Work, Weariness, and Warcrack

Work has been very busy lately. I have one very big job, and possibly several other smaller jobs coming up. I am hoping to be able to partner with d. We will try a test run with one of the smaller jobs. We have almost completely opposite skills and completely opposite ways of working. I think that is a good thing. She is very organized about the initial process of signing up a client, including managing expectations, writing contracts, and charging realistic prices based on actual time worked, rather than pulling some random number out of the air like I tend to do. She is also skilled at graphic design and has experience making web sites. If I had my way, I would stick to the (x)html/css and back end coding for the site and do technical support for the client after the site is complete. I would leave the business stuff, front end design, and client management to someone else. Could be a match made in heaven if we can somehow merge our oppositeness into a working business.

It is getting harder to keep up with school. The ‘side-effect’ of feeling better lately is that I have lost the super-focus that I was having when I was undermedicated. I have also been very twitchy and shaky which is quite annoying. It is a strange balance. It is still hard for me to get out, but not as hard as before. The main difference is that I am not completely exhausted like before. I can do a wider range of things, but am back to having a one second attention span. Going to see the doc on wednesday, but not sure if I am ready to continue experimenting with new meds and/or doses and timing of meds.

I am tired of waiting and waiting to find the right combination of drugs and going through long periods of terrible side-effects until the next drug or dose kicks in. I will probably keep experimenting, but am thinking of taking a break for a while and going back to figuring out ways to make myself feel better even when things aren’t so good. It has been very hard to do that while continuously messing with my meds, and I am hoping that taking a break will help, at least in the way of keeping things stable for a while. One of my best skills is adapting to life under less than ideal circumstances. It is impossible to adapt to something that keeps changing.

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Confusion, Rambling, and AASCEND

I am so confused. About everything. One minute I think the meds are starting to finally kick in, and the next that I will have to stop taking them because the only effects are bad ones. I suppose it is a good sign that I occasionally think they are working. It has been a very long time since that thought even entered my mind.

Today, me and K went to the AASCEND‘s 6th Annual Conference On Autism and Asperger Syndrome. For the most part, I am glad we went. It is always good to be around other autistic people. It reminds me that I am not alone. I still need to be reminded.

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10 Things That Are On My Mind

Side effects. They have come and they are annoying. Hopefully, they will go away soon! Autiblogger. Added user level plugins and a nice new theme today. School. Almost done with the CSS class. Maybe the best class I have ever taken. I learned so much in 8 weeks and got every question that I’ve ever …

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thought interrupted

thought interrupted
split second -chop- to another
thought -chop- next </stop> come and gone
can’t even open a website what was i was going to do?

stuck can’t go out. have to go out. have to get out of here. can’t do anything here. typing. time goes by. can’t do anything. just type. have to get out of here. homework to do. can’t do it. at least final project is done. just a few more things to hand in and one peer review.

accidentally failed the database design class. thought the final assignment was due on sunday like in every other class, but it was due on thursday and grades were posted friday. confusing. but all the due dates were posted on the first page of the class at the top. green letters even. sux. i needed that class. have to take it again now. only half price. teacher said if i hand in assignment, i can still use it as a prerequisite for another class. maybe i’ll do that if it’s not too late. but i can’t even do it. it’s not even so hard. just can’t do it.

so hard to do things. stupid meds. fish oil didn’t do anything. went to see the doc a couple of days ago. increased dose of old meds. hopefully that will help but it takes a few weeks to start doing anything. no side effects yet except for being very tired. i hope it works. now it is 2/3 dose of old meds and 2/3 dose of new meds. can’t take full dose of new meds because it makes me stop breathing. old meds can have side effect of sudden fatal liver damage. wtf? supposedly it is less likely to happen if you are taking the drug for a long time. I have been taking it for a lot of years. i hope new dose works. things have been hard for so long. at least i can code.

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Life

Life is very busy. Good and bad. It has been hard to keep up with school assignments these past few weeks, but somehow I’ve gotten everything in on time. Sometimes it is easier to do things on the last day.

My last CSS test was really hard. It took me almost two days to finish it. I had no idea there could be so much math involved in CSS! I learned so many things while I was taking the test, but it hurt my brain pretty bad.

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2005 :: The Ramble

I hope that 2006 will be a good year for the world and the people in it. I have been very lucky, and so far 2006 is no exception. Me and K started out the year at Bill Graham auditorium in San Francisco with Phil Lesh and Friends. It was SO GOOD! John Mayer played a set of amazing blues guitar. I know he was singing too, but it didn’t really register. I can’t even really remember what he looked like, but that boy sure can play guitar! And now… the ramble…

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Stones and Metallica

Things are good 🙂 My client site is just about done, my meds are stabilized for the moment, and the Rolling Stones and Metallica rocked last night! The highlight of the Stones show was when Mick and Lisa Fischer did a duet of Ray Charles’ “Nighttime is the Right Time”. I had never heard of …

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Take Some Deep Breaths

I decreased the dose of my old meds again recently, and I am having the very scary side effect of having trouble breathing. It is not new, but has gotten a lot worse lately. It is a side effect of the new meds. I get short of breath and light-headed until I can catch my …

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A little bit of heaven

Saturday was K’s birthday 🙂 We went to the Russian River to celebrate and got home today. It was so great. Fun, relaxing, magical. We got massages that rocked. Seriously deep tissue! I don’t really like those kinds of massages when someone is barely touching you. It feels like a tease to me. Just enough …

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Quiet Time

It is quiet here. K and B just went out to get a mani/pedi. I have NO work to do! Nothing is broken. Or hacked. Bills are paid. All there is to do is clean up for the party later. And then party 🙂 It is nice to have B here. Shiki is especially happy. …

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Welcome to my bad mood

i am tired. how long can one person be tired for? not sleepy. worn out. exhausted. useless. my brain is slow. everything is hard. i am less anemic. less weak. but i can’t think but i can think i can think good and hard about things for 5 or 10 seconds i’m tired of this …

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